A night out: biting nails


Tonight I went out with my girlfriend. We went to see ‘Gone Girl’. I said I would not kill Neil Patrick Harris for her. Even if he was coming at her and I had already made him a paraplegic. He would die from his wounds in a matter of minutes. She was super tied and had gotten off work not to long before I got there. The movie was just about the hours long, so if you haven’t seen it yet and are going to, be comfortable.
The whole night I wanted to tell her about something I had realized about myself recently. This would probably change our whole relationship over night. I’m really scared of losing her, although if I keep silent I’ll definitely lose her.
I’ve finally identified what they reason is for me not wanting to have sexual relations is, period.
As long as I can remember sex was never really something I wanted to participate in. Growing up with all of the influences, sex, sex, and sex all over everywhere I looked. Between the lines of everything I read. The underlying context of what kids I grew up around said. The actions of none familial idols. What sells. I didn’t think I had a choice. I thought something was wrong in my body, I didn’t lust after anyone like all the idiotic sexual wildabeasts around me. I had more important things on my mind. More productive actions soaking my brain matter. I never like an artist because they’re attractive, but because they are talented and I could relate to what they were saying. I still don’t lust. That is not to say I don’t find others attractive, because I do. It’s just not distracting, it’s not something I’m interested in, it doesn’t excite me.
I absolutely love my girlfriend with all my heart, I would kill Neil Patrick Harris for her, but I do just about anything else for her. But I don’t lust, I’m not horny when she is, I never initiate.
All this time, I’ve been forcing myself to be sexually active, and I never wanted to be. How do I tell the person I’m with that I’m asexual? Sometimes it just seems like being behind a screen and inside for walls would just be a more comfortable existence for me.


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